Cart girls hate me. It’s not that I’m a bad tipper … quite the contrary. But I tend to not tip anything because I tend to not order anything. I’m on a long streak of just waving to the cart girl and saying “We’re fine.” My boys are gonna get on me for this statement, but here goes: I don’t like drinking on the golf course. There. I said it.

No high horse or soap box here. If you like to enjoy a cold one or six while meandering through your 18 holes, go ahead and pop those cans. But I just don’t get it. Maybe I’ve become too much of a lightweight in my parenting years. Yes it’s true, I drink less now than I did when it wasn’t legal for me to drink. Weird, right? So it only takes a few drinks before my head starts lightening up a bit. But with regards to golf, the booze hits me even quicker.

We’re supposed to relax when we play, right? You hear the tips: loosen up, relax your body, stay flexible. Some of us play the game as if there is something on the line, when in reality, there usually isn’t (unless you’re a gambler). So a nice adult beverage is a good thing for some people. Anything to calm the nerves. But what I find is that that is a really, REALLY, fine line. Calm nerves quickly become spaghetti arms. And who can play golf like that?

Maybe I care too much about that scorecard. Again, there is nothing on the line when I play, but golfers want to score, because they just do, ok? When I have a little liquid encouragement, I actually start to care less. The day turns into “four guys at a bar,” which means we’re more concerned with good stories and a few laughs. Good stories and a few laughs are probably what I should be chasing when I play golf, but I choose to chase that darned ball instead.

It’s simple. One drink? Maybe. Two? Nope. My game falls apart. Maybe someone can explain to me how to play well sober on the first hole, then continue to play well over the next four hours as your body, senses, demeanor and blood content change with each hole. That is talent.

I’ve watched it, so I know there are plenty of players who can do it. I’m just not one of ‘em. I can multi-task, but not to that extent. Seriously, how do you drink while you’re also supposed to be driving a cart, keeping your head down, breathing deeply, enjoying scenery, remembering etiquette and thinking good swing thoughts?

The way I look at it, I get the best of both worlds. Focus on golf, then booze. My apologies to the cart girl, but I try to make up for it with the bartender at the 19th. He and I get along just fine.