I consider myself lucky to participate in a number of charity golf tournaments. That said, never in all my appearances have I been a part of the winning group.  You know “the winning group”… those four guys with big smiles and full beers at the banquet dinner as they celebrate the 56 they just shot.  Everyone always accuses them of lying.  I have a hard time believing guys would just start making up scores, but as I mentioned, I’ve never seen one of these mythical 56s live.  It’s all good, in my tournament, we’d have proof of all posted scores.

Have you ever found yourself in say, group 16B for a 9:30 a.m. shotgun and the lunch truck happens to be sitting on the 17^th hole?  That means after you play one hole, you’re supposed to have built up enough of a ravenous appetite to scarf down a burger and fries at 9:45 a.m.  Free lunches are great.  Free anything is great.  But a pre-10 a.m. burger has got to be reserved for places like sports bars.  It’s all good, in my tournament there would be multiple roving lunch trucks.

That darn white table cloth post-golf dinner buffet is tricky. Everyone is hungry, so they show up to the dinner.  But no one really wants to be there.  Traffic is getting worse by the minute and your family is texting wondering when you’ll be home.  You have one foot out the door, but then you get sucked in by the thought that this might finally be the year you win at the raffle.  Yeah right.  And please, can we pick a food theme?  Does there need to be chicken, beef AND fish available?  I’m not mature enough to say no to any of them, so I end up eating all three.  As you can tell, these tournaments can be rough on the digestion.  It’s all good, at my tournament, the banquet would be happening during the tournament.

Hit a hole in one, win a car. It’s a charity tournament staple.  As is the bored, tired & cold person sitting in a tent on the hole acting as a witness in case someone accidentally plops the ball in the

clown’s mouth. Yeah right.  This person has been sitting there all day watching poor golf swing after poor golf swing.  She’s probably also dealt with at least 20 inappropriate advances from golfers.  Those comments only increase as the beer flows throughout the day.  Can’t seem to figure out why, but this person never seems too pleasant by the time it’s your turn to swing.   It’s all good, in my tournament, we’re going to have music and flat screens on every tee box, drinks for the volunteers and heckling will be encouraged.

It’s all in the name of charity, so I’m not here to knock anyone’s event. I’m just here to create the mother of all charity tournaments.

We’re here for a good cause, so let’s have some fun. Keep the players hydrated, well fed, loose and entertained.

Because so many people are going to want to buy in to this tourney, I’ll have the money to hire a scoring witness for every hole. If you shoot a 56 at this tourney, you’ll need to actually shoot a 56.

When the golf is over, players will return to the clubhouse to see raffle tickets already drawn and awarded, so you can grab a quick bite and get on your way.

And that poor girl sitting in the cold watching the par 3 car contest … she gets paid per heckle and wins the car herself if no one hits the hole in one.

So, who wants to come play in my tourney? Now, I just need a charity….